monday

first day of school and i'm already lugging something half the size of me around. makes me wonder what the rest of the week would be like. i board the train and battle the morning crowd, feeling beads of perspiration race down my face, down my cheeks, down my neck, down my shirt.

the train reaches my stop and i alight. as i head down the escalator, i nearly turn around to go back but the crowd does not allow. with my palpitating heart beating furiously in whatever space it had in the hollow of my chest, i fight.

i walk out, and a mass of little groups of people everywhere greet me. swimming in the ocean of shadows melting into each other and sounds like murmurs, faint whispers of nothingness - logic loses its footing in me and i nearly miss a step. lost. swallowing yet again, i move forward, and my heart finds relief. i meet michelle and together, we wait for joey.

then we walk into school. it is only now, i realise school is bigger than i thought. but my friends are not afraid. maybe it is all just me, me and my demons. i have so many of them holding me down on the ground like gravity, and i wonder why i haven't given in yet.

but with them two, maybe school will not be as terrifying, like the monsters under my bed, waiting to grab hold of my feet and drag me away.


tuesday

markers. colour pens. a3 paper. make a mindmap about yourself.

i pick up the one of the two markers in my plastic yellow pencil case. removing the cap, i start to write. but there's nothing to write. i look up - everyone's writing. everyone, but me. what's there to write about myself?

all i can do is to stare. and the voices start to laugh.

lie.


wednesday

today, we meet our diploma classes, the one with people we will actually study with for three years. but it's no different from our other class. the other half has progressed far more than my half and i start to wonder, if i had made the right choice at all. when did monday happen?

why did her mother send her alone into the forest, to visit her grandmother, who lives alone in the forest? why was the wolf, so coincidentally, alone? and the woodcutter, too?

i wonder if i didn't lie to myself at all.


thursday

my imaginative and realistic idea of being able to learn something from photography lessons is shattered so easily in the blunt yet knife-like edge of the way she carried her knowledge across . that feeling; somehow, all so familiar, so similar. what seemed like a fruitful and meaningful lesson was reduced to pitch black nothingness as i perservered through three hours of ramblings that made no sense.

but maybe my expectations are too high. they probably are.

michelle shares the joy of her newly caught pokemon - jigglypuff. she makes us laugh with her cute antics, and for a moment, the world feels better. when the laughter dies away, we'll all move on with the ever so steady beat of life. then i whisper a prayer, that things will never change.


friday

it's finally the end of the week. i feel no different. everybody's still as cold as they have been.

the next week comes in two days. i await my future, grimly.

but for now, i shall lie down and dream star studded dreams of pretty boys and real happiness.