Someone asked me what home was and all I could think of were the stars on the tip of your tongue, the flowers sprouting from your mouth, the roots entwined in the gaps between your fingers, the ocean echoing inside your ribcage. (E. E. Cummings)

October was the month of recuperation and November is the month of anguish. December will be here soon and it probably will be the month of darkness.

There is so much to do and so little time, yet time passes by too slow - I cannot breathe. I'd always anticipated the days like today (like yesterday, tomorrow), and I've come prepared, but when it happens, it hits. It hits like a wall of water, it's a tsunami, and in an instant, you're robbed of air, of sanity, of space all at once. You always think I'll take it slow, I'll keep my eyes wide open, I'll be cautious but it's never enough, right? It's funny how life always has something new to show us, and if you're not careful, you might just fuck everything up.

(You're not brave if you still keep the letters and you're not sane if you don't want to get better and you're not drunk if you can still stay in your lane. Well, you're not awake but you haven't been sleeping and you hate god but you don't believe in him. You're scared but you've still got your eyes closed.)

I had the worst, most vivid, bloody nightmare last night. It was sick, and it made me sick. The funny thing is, I haven't watched any violent action film or TV series or cartoon whatsoever in the past 2 months. Maybe having junk food for dinner is really unhealthy.

It's not like my eating habits are any better than choosing not to eat junk food anyway...

I noticed that
as the years went by,
I took lesser and lesser pictures
there were lesser and lesser subjects.

Someone once said,
If you want to know
what someone's afraid to lose,
watch what they photograph.

And then I realised,
there were lesser and lesser things to lose
lesser and lesser (people) to love.

The beginning is always the hardest, I know. But it feels like I'm getting nowhere, I'm stuck at the start. It's not such a bad thing though, sometimes, at least I'm making something new. We all will eventually get to where we need to be. You see, the question is when... not where, not how, not why.

The question is always when.

Labels: ▼